you need to

Well I broke down and e-mailed him my gut wrenches today.  Can't cut and paste it or I would for refreshers.  Just have to keep it current in e-mail.  He hit me dead between the eyes.  Yes he could leave, No he isn't after other women. Duh knew that.  Yes I hurt him, No i didn't catch all of the reasons before seeing it so clear in blaCK AND WHITE. anyhow he came home on time and gave me a long deep feeling hug that let me feel what is still there and I was comforted by that.  MAybe I need other meds.  WIll have to explore that.  THere is a pill for everything right.  Still his email was harsh like he gives it and straight the way he is and how I need it.  IF we have been together for six years and are still pluggin away why do I freak out so much?  Some has to do with his overwhelming nature,  Some,  More ahs to do with how much I gave away at the beginning how much I lost and now the totality of what I still have to learn.  A core,  that is what I need a balanced center to branch out form.  You left that part out mom.  Dad.  i made it this far but so much by luck or the genorosity of others. I don't believe it was pity. 

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He wakes up early and gets dressed and leaves without saying a word.  It is 6:45.  I lie there awake thinking about him and us how it used to be how it could be how it will more than likely turn out.  My head aches and I rub my neck.  I get Jim up at 8:30.  The increase of his meds makes him groggy in the morning but he eats makes his bed and brushes his teeth gets ready to go to Counseling Group for his psychological battery of tests.  We go and both meet with Dr. Pinto and I give his background.  I tell her about Jim's special language when he was so little and how he did through school.  Through to the most recent and I have to face telling someone else how my son wanted to die and that he had a psychotic episode and that it was an endless restriction that made him feel so hopeless.  My head aches and I wish I'd taken something for it.  She asks him about his Stepdad and he says he is loud.  I explain that though he wants the best for us he is strict and opinionated and controlling.  I feel embarassed about the bruise on my arm though he had nothing to do with it.She writes lots of notes and takes Jim for his first round of tests.  She is nice and calm and I feel comfortable that she will help point us in the right direction for Jim.  I go and wait and streamlin work for the computer later.  Mom arrives I forget to wish her a happy birthday.  She leaves a check and heads to her own therapist.  Mom's bipolar is very unpredictable but right now she seems on a happy mode and that is nice but whenever I am around her I am nervous.  I call Robert after she leaves and he says he is very busy but has got somr major work done asks what i am doing I tell him JIm's testing and quickly end the call before it can get ruined.  I call Audrey and we visit for a few.  She shares that Robert confided to her several things about us.  She told me his concerns about Jim and that I was ruining him.  She sensed that the trouble was deep.  My head was aching.  I have been clenching my jaw for a couple of days.  Suddenly I feel very flush and tell her I will call her back.  I run to the bathroom and vomit several times.  Nothing but bile but I feel a bit better not as flushed and shaky.I call he back and she shares the gross story about her folliculitis to make me feel better for telling her I just puked.  Jim comes out and we schedule phase two of testing and go home,  I take my lexapro and a half a xanax and lie down for thirty minutes till my head feels better.  I get up Jim is working on his lessons and I sit to code and streamline more work.  Checking my phone I see I have voice mails and a recruiter has left a message I call back but the prospect is not yet doing electronic coding and doesn't outsource so I tell him to please keep me on file for the future.  He says tell your husband I said hello and he will put our resumes together.  He laughs though I sigh when I get off  the phone because his stellar reputation and name in our business will always be keep me in its shadow.  I work till he comesw home and he gives me a fatherly kiss on the lips after i ask for one.  He does his workout and Shannon arrives after he is showered and dressed.  She offers to share a smoke but he is leaving says he will be back later.  We visit I prepare dinner.  Audrey calls me after it is prepared.  I step outside for the question.  Did she sense he was nearing the end of us and she said yes.  We talked it over.

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I called robert's cell to see if Jen had made it off ok.  No answer but soon he appears at the house Did you call me he snarls?  I yes and why.  He leaves and I begin the stupid cell game.  I call ask to please get along this is an energy drain.  He complains about me and Jim for whatever reason.  I tell him that Jim is starting to hate him.  He assumed me too.  I agreed and said that Jim was tired of him treating his mom poorly. He hangs up a couple of times I call last time.  You will not be hearing from me anymore.  I need space to be calm.  I see later he has read my emails before I have.  Audrey's re: secrets to a happy marriage (a forwarded joke) two turn downs for work which also were news to me second.  I send him mail that a-lo's was unsolicited didn't mention the others he'd read.  Hope to talk and be friends after he gets home.  He comes home and I ask him to give me the what's up.  He says all his piece and I concur with each statement.  I am listening I am saying with my uh huh and yes I sees.  Two stand out now  I am insensitive like my mom say things and don't know how they hurt.  I am more bipolar than Jim not as bad as Mom.  My first point to him brings about immediate debate and I never get to share what I am thinking or feeling.  I give up to avoid further tension and feeling ovewhelmed.Today I took my lexapro ( for the dr diagnosed general anxiety disorder ) and a half a xanax because I knew he was annoyed and I wanted to be calm.   He goes to work out I tell him going to Shannon's to return her house key.  I ask for kiss he says he is too sweaty.  I sigh and walk away shaking my head.  He says something about my head shake I do not respond.  This makes me feel low in spirit.  When I get home about an hour later he is not there.  I begin to cook dinner and give him a call to ask his advice on how long to put the burgers on our george foreman grill.  He'd overcooked the last ones and had told me his plan for next time and I'd forgotten.  He answers I ask and he curtly responds depends on how thick the burgers are.  I think back to Shannon's advice.  When he hits you with this think of what you need to do.  I need to get butter at the store.  smart remark from him ... I need to get milk...  I think I need to hang up now and not say anything else.  So I say thanks and CLICK.   Today I had one shot of Seagrams 7 in a glass of coke at Shannon's and a nice smoke in the backyard.   Dinner is ready just as he comes home.   I get told about Jim doing school barefoot.  He has his testing tomorrow this year is a wash he schools online what is the big deal?  I need to get velvetta cheese. He also read all of Jim's e-mails and showed me the mails that he disapproved of that Jim had recieved.  I talked to Jim about it. Told him what was inappropriate about it. Roberr disappears to the computer in the back of the house.  Later I am wanting to begin this diary for my own kind of therapy.  Let me look back on this and reflect what am I doing not doing etc.  He is in the bathroom and I ask if he is coming back to living room.  He says he is pissing.  He comes into living room and tells me I am insecure.  I tell him that is not so.  I was wanting to do my thing but didn't want to come back there if he was to avoid making him uncomfortable.   Truth.  I tell him slowly that   I   am  trying   to   learn   to   not become   so   frustrated  and remain   calm.  He tells me I am chaotic and insecure and all this slow talking is some femininst shit.   I need to get turnip greens for the iguanas.  I know there is more simple words to this but this is the jist.  I am calm and I need to get a birthday card for Mom.  I create this blog and I am feeling low.  He sticks his head in the door and questions what I am doing.  Creating a personal blog.  He sniffs his disdain and leaves.  several minutes later he returns and says something about meeting other messed up people online and talking about bullshit.  I need to get sprites.. I tell him this is homework from Marci.  He is flabbergasted that I have dropped another 25.00 chunk on a doctor just after Jim went yesterday to have his won meds adjusted.  He says he lives in a medical town.  I miss it a first till he says it a few more times and complains about how all the money goes to pills and dr visits.  Truly the only Rx costs are mine copays for the Lexapro and Xanax.  Dr. Q. is great with samples for Jims Zoloft and the two costly antipsychotics he has been prescribed.  I need to take the abilify to the pharmacy to be filled... I complete the blog for the day and he has gone to bed alone.  I head to the sofa and lie down and wish the cat would join me.  I am lonely for company and feeling low.  About 11:30 he comes into the kitchen and says aren't you coming to bed and not waiting wanting? a response he continues o yeah you can start work anytime you want and Jim can do school whenever you....need to get.... need to get...and he goes back to bed.  I fall asleep on the sofa and awake at 12:30 crawl into bed.  He was sleeping way past middle .  I clung to the side and slept poorly tossing and turning. 

So what else is new?  I start my day in clothing that I slept in since my husband was pissed off with me again and I went to bed early.  I am trying to avoid the conflicts and keep my mouth shut and practice the techniques I am learning in therapy with Marci but day to day living finds me short all the time.  I feel like a captive in some study of operant conditioning.  All aspects of my personality are under restructure and every thought, decision and utterance is available for negative reinforcement. 

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