Well I had a good cry earlier and put it aside went out and worked on the back porch got sun and waited for him to come home.  We will survive.  I know in my heart of hearts it will be ok but i get so afraid sometimes.  Especially when it seems i am constantly under a microscope and my behavior is being manipulated or critcized.  I am so tiredof this endless battle.  Feel that so much should have been alright already in me our marriage him.

My body aches and I took my lexapro and a couple three generic tylenols.  having a drink with Bob.

hopes for a nice night and weekend,  thanked him for the email and am trying it on for size.  clarity seems to workl better than the generalized statements that seem so abrasive and intrusive when they are unexpected and he is seething instead of communicating.  Hugs helped I guess he thought about Patch Adam's advice about depression being not brain chemical but lonliness and fear.  I hope that i make it to the us

She is a good friend to us both.  She knows we love each other and hates to see this since we used to be so close that she saw us as one.  As we are talking Jim comes home and soon enough Robert notices me outside and on the phone and tells me I need to fix Jim a plate of dinner.  Got a child to take care of.  I say I know will be right in.   I need to send a note to my aunt.... He leans out moments later to tell me again and I need to look at myself and what I am doing.  I am talking on the phone.... i need to get stamps.  He continues and it continues to break me up.  I feel alone, frustrated, unheard, overwhelmed with negative.  I need to send paperwork to the schoolboard.  I tell her that there is my side to this story and she agrees that there are things he shouldn't say.  The hurtful ones.  she also thinks that I need to know what he is expecting but also that I need to be heard.  I come in he disappears.  I don't eat but come to blog.  He comes in room  BLOG TIME?  yes. I need to streamline a bunch of work to go in tomorrow.  Later he comes to tell me that Jim is on phone it is 9:15.  I need to tend kid.  He knows this blog is some release for me but it tisn't really doing anything.GOt to take care of my kid.  I tell him thank you I didn't realize I'd been back here for so long and that I'd take care of it right away.  I tell Jim to get off phone remind him 8:30 cut off on phone calls.  Give him 5 min  to wrap up and tell him to shower after he gets off phone.  I return to finish blog and Jim comes in with the big sigh.  I repeat my instructions.  Jim gets in shower and here he is again to tell me that Jim should be in bed not showering. I need to sweep the house it has been several days.... Jim has the shower running still and he returns to tell me that I have been doing this for hours does not see what this is doing for me I am writing a life story I should sit in my room all day and write books, this is therapy self therapy and I am just spending energy in another extreme.  More than anything I am neglecting Jim and what he needs to be doing.  He doesn't understand this and I am wasting my time there is nothing to get out of this.  and it fades out as I think I need.....I look at him arms crossed over my chest turned to face him listening but thinking I need.  I do not defend what I am doing I do not try to explain or justify.  I do not argue that Jim's bedtime is 9:30 but I do say that is the case.  That was all I said.  In my head I am thinking I need to file a few papers.  He says all this time doing this I could have been working.  Maybe I am working on myslef but he tries to drive home again that he doesn't agree with what I am doing.  I need to take a shower... I was feeling low when I got off phone with Audrey now I am just calm. Did I mention that I took two ultram and another half of a xanax to totally knock out my headache.  It was slowly creeping to migaine territory and I am not up to facing that pain with the criticism that comes with it right now.  That was earlier in the day before shannon got here. head much better pain wise. feel I am thinking clearly just trying to find peace in my home. today robert brought home a new fifth of Jack Daniels.. the last fifth he bought on 4-26-5 wa gone with his after work out drink.

Of late my husband, has diagnosed me as bipolar.  This makes him the only sane person in our household, though he does think that Jim is not really bipolar I can't remember now what he said Jim's problem was exactly.  Also he said I am not near as bad as my mom but still have got it and it makes me insensitive and insecure and the rest of my life chaotic and THAT the chaos he does not want to live with.  .

This latest unrest that I caused started yesterday when I was at Jim's psychiatrist's office.  When he called and I was still waiting 45 minutes after the set appt time he wanted me to tell the Dr that this was not acceptable my time valuable etc.  I didn't have a problem with the wait and had expected it.  The conversation ended abruptly.  On the way to Audrey's to pick up the items for Jen it arose again when he had a printed map to get to her apt and then when didn't follow the map and I was leading him on an alternate route he turned onto her street and I lost my points of reference for directing him because I knew to go a road ahead and turn one street ahead then turn two streets past post and she was on the corner.  I didn't handle that right.  He told me later Jen noticed it too.

Then as Audrey is giving the things to Jen and offers a crib bumper I messed up again, He had said to Audrey that she didn't need it and I disagreed and had Jen explain to her dad that her aunts did not have all the baby things from all of Jen's cousins.  Besides with a baby it never hurts to have more than one of anything.  Audrey fills in with she liked knowing she had this and that together before the baby got there.  Robert pulls a face at me and Audrey gets up and goes into her bedroom for the bumper.  I realize that I have messed up again by going against what he feels is necessary because he gets up and stands just outside the bedroom door and tells me we need to leave. As we leave, Robert across the street before Jen and I, I tell Jen at this point anything you get now will not be a disappointment if it doesnt apear at your shower.  She agrees and says she wanted the bumper and was glad we got it. 

We drive away and I point out a few signs to Jen showing her how many apts are available in Riverside.  I begin to say something about me and Audrey driving around and my showing her the Riverside area when she was pregnant and Robert again pulls a face and mutters something under his breath so I realize, operant conditioning in action folks, that I was messing up again so I shut up. 

I was uncomfortable for the ride home but mentioned a box as we neared home.  As luck will have it I spotted two boxes and I was able to put one in the back seat for Jen's things for her to take home.  I know that Robert had told Jen that we would ship the baby items to her but since she was flying home and could get it ther herself easily this seemed to me a better idea since it was free.  The cost of shipping would make a nice first payment on a layaway at walmart for some other items that she is lacking.

So we go home and I begin to cook dinner.  Before it is finished Jen's friends arrive and she leaves.  I fix myself and Jim a plate and go to sit with Robert.  I don't feel comfortable but eat at least half my dinner peacefully till he mumbles something which I thought was serve it up or something and I offer to fix him a plate.  He declines and said I got it wrong what he said. Now I am even more uncomfortable and finsh my dinner with my stomach in a knot.  I decide to remove myself from the situation before I do something to make it worse.   I go to kiss him goodnight and he wants to know what I am doing in his face.  I tell him and tell him that I am going to bed because I am uncomfortable.  I ask repeatedly for him to tell me what I did specifically to get him upset with me.  He gives no answers.  I go to the back and return for my book and ask him if he plans to get an apt with Jen.  That pisses him off for sure and he tells me this is what he is talking about that I am manic right now.  I go to bed and read and soon enough i am asleep with all my clothes on and at the far side of the far side of our bed.

This morning I didn't have anything to say to him when he first got up.  I am trying to learn to choose the right things to say and the right time to say them.  He comes intot he room several times to tell me the time and to say Jim needs to get up and this and that.  I do not have anything to say.  I get up at 9:00 and wake Jim.  He is groggy as I expected with the increase in his abilify 5 mg.  I shower and go in to visit with Jen.  We pack her suitcase together and talk a bit more baby and her shower etc. I am streamlining my work as her dad loads the car and after a last hug her.